My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
