seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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