do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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