She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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