It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
