I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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