Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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