theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
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We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
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I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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