Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
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Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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