had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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