I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
