Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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