gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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