I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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