if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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