Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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