He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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