There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
