There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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