Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
