ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
