We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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