you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
