tell your sister to shave her snatch
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
