Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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