there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
