Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
this hospital has no fireball
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
