I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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