I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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