It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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