Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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