just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
