in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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