I didn't shave. On purpose
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
