I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
