I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
