I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
