dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
