I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
