Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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