Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
