listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
