Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
