i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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