I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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