So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
