Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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