whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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