Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
