So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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