I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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