Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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