there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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