Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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