think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
