the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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