I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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