I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
