He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
