anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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