He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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