look no pants
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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